Five poos, five playlists, or what to queue when you’re on the loo
We’ve spent enough time on the loo to know that each poo has a perfect playlist to pair with (that’s a lot of p’s). Don’t get bogged down scrolling through your liked songs on Spotify, looking for the ideal queue for your poo. Allow us to do the dirty work for you.
The poo: Quickie
You’ve got people to see, places to pee. You’ve probably got back to back meetings, neverending playdates, and always have your video off on Zoom calls. You don’t have time to spend scrolling through Youtube or folding your toilet paper. You’re in and you’re out of the loo, before anyone even noticed you left your seat.
The playlist: Pffft, you don’t have time for playlists. You just need one song. Might we suggest the best song on the internet?
The poo: Stubborn
You’ve been waiting for this one for hours, possibly even days. You’ve texted your mom in anticipation. You might have even Googled how long it’s normal to go without, y’know, going. You’ve tried all your regular vices, but there’s only so much coffee one can drink. When the time is right, cue the fanfare. And remember to stock up on more prune juice for next time.
The playlist: You need something dramatically cinematic for this climactic moment. Might we suggest this collection of Hans Zimmer’s greatest hits?
The poo: Nervous
This one’s as present in the rest of your body as it is in your bottom, accompanied with tight knots and cold sweats. If you’re lucky it’ll strike minutes before a date, an interview, a presentation. If you’re unlucky, it’ll make an appearance halfway through. Excuse yourself, press play, think crappy thoughts, then splash your face with water afterwards. You’ve got this.
The playlist: You need something calming. A playlist that makes you feel like you’re sitting by a waterfall, like this one. Or one that helps you tap into a state of calm, like this one.
The poo: Emergency
The most dangerous of the poos, in my humble opinion. It’s the poo that gives no warning signs. It’s demanding too, requiring you to drop everything you’re doing and attend to it, immediately. It never actually happens when there’s a vacant toilet nearby, but especially loves to appear on road trips, miles from the next exit. Hope you have an emergency loo roll on the backseat!
The playlist: Honestly, whatever you have easiest access to. For me, it’s the soundtrack for the hit show, I May Destroy You, which I recently saved. Coincidentally it’s also what this poo will do to your white pants.
The poo: First time at your new partners house
A daunting experience at the best of times. What if they hear? What if it clogs? While we can’t guarantee the latter won’t happen, we’ve got the goods to settle your nerves around the former. This is also your scheduled reminder that poo is normal (duh). We’ve got a business that sells products specifically for it! You do it, they do it, the Queen does it. So sit back, relax, and let the toilet paper (and good times) roll.
The playlist: Something loud to silence any noises coming out of your body. Might we suggest this playlist of your favourite 80s hits. Lead with ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling’ for comedic effect. If they laugh, you know they’re the one.
Got a perfect potty playlist you’d like to share? Comment it below. We’re all ears!
