How you go to the bathroom says a lot (looking at you, scrunchers), but what you call the bathroom says even more. We’ve heard a lot of potty talk in our day, so we’re confident that we can peg the type of person you are based on how you excuse yourself to the loo. Did we get it right? Actually, don’t answer that. We know we did.

Powder room

Wow, you’re fancy. You probably have a multi-step skincare routine and you feel comfortable sitting in public with white pants. Why wouldn’t you? Your hair looks shiny all the time and you smell like a department store. We’d hate you if you weren’t so charming.

Potty

Children love you because you do things like pretend you’re Cinderella while you wash your dishes. You’ve spent your fair share of time in a drum circle and do a killer rendition of Lean On Me on the guitar. Could we get a hard candy from your pocket? Because we know you’ve got one in there.

Washroom

You’re just a genuinely nice person, trustworthy and kind. We’d let you stay at our house any day. Take our kids, our pets – they’re probably better off with you anyway. You also smell really good, but not TOO good, you know? You’re relatable, but so damn pleasant. 

Loo

If you’re an Aussie, you have an impressive collection of vintage housewares and you enjoy a well mixed cocktail. If you’re a Brit, you’re just a regular person. If you’re an American, you went to London one time and never got over it. We know, we know – you love Pimm’s.

Restroom

What are you hiding? Are you eyeing that last slice of pie? Because you can totally have it. Please, be our guest. You don’t have to be weird about it. Really, take it! Take the pie!! OK we’re going to leave the room and if the pie is still there we’re going to be really suspicious of you and your motives.

John

You’re really good with money and you’re a natural leader. You would be the ideal candidate to start a business. Maybe a social enterprise? Just spitballing here. You’re a real influencer, just without the selling diet teas on Instagram part. Wield your power wisely.

Dunny 

Listen, you know how to have a good time. You’re the type of person that we’d want to get a beer with, talk about life, politics or sports. We’re not even sporty, but you bring that out in us. Pass the peanuts and let’s yell, “GOALLLLL.”

Lavatory 

If you’re older than 15, you’re definitely a spy. If you’re under 15, we’re pretty sure you actually mean “laboratory” and your science teacher is probably super confused. 

The facilities

We see you – you’re a sensitive soul, even though you try to hide it. Guess what? We love all of you, even the part that cries at the end of Notting Hill. There is strength in showing weakness, don’t forget it! Go home, run a bath and play some Joni Mitchell. You deserve it. 

Crapper 

You are exciting, adventurous and a bit unreliable. When we go out with you, we never know where the night will end. Maybe it will be the best night of our lives, maybe we’ll end up sobbing on a stoop, wearing a chicken costume with pudding caked on our cheek. We just never know! 

The W.C. 

You know how to pronounce every dish at every restaurant. You’re the person our mums hoped we’d become, or at least marry. Instead, we work at a toilet paper company and judge people based on what they call the toilet. Woah, sorry, that got too real. For the record, our mums are really proud of us. We’re changing the world with our bums!