I should probably mention that I’m a roll of Who Gives A Crap toilet paper. Yes, some of us dabble in blogging.

Anyway, a lot of people ask me my thoughts on wet wipes (we went to high school together). I don’t love to gossip, but I thought I’d just share a little transcript from a game of never have I ever that we played at a recent sleepover. It’s pretty juicy.

Never have I ever sported non-woven fibres

Wipes often feel like cloth because they’re made of non-woven fibres like spunlace — which won’t break down easily. Synthetic materials like polyester and polypropylene are the norm in wet wipes — ick.

Never have I even taken over 100 years to decompose

While toilet paper like me is biodegradable and disintegrates in water, all the artificial yuckiness in wet wipes won’t just go away. That spunlace and other non-wovens can take over 100 years to decompose — sorry 2120!

Never have I ever created a 140 tonne clog in a city sewer system

140 tonnes is the weight of over 20 elephants. Or 200 cows. Or 1,500 kangaroos! 140 tonnes is pretty big, okay? And the culprit? Wet wipes. These large blockages of non-biodegradable solid matter are becoming more common around the world. For whatever reason, they’re known as fatbergs  — which happens to be the name of my neighbour’s cat.

Never have I ever left anyone with a wet bum

Do you know what actually makes wipes... wet? They’re usually filled with harsh chemicals (like methylisothiazolinone) which can irritate the skin and in some cases cause allergic reactions. Last time I checked, no one likes a rashy bum.

Never have I ever lied about flushability

Despite what you might have heard, wet wipes aren’t actually flushable — even when the label says so. Ever heard of flushability test standards? The test uses unrealistic turbulence and water pressure to break the wipes down. Sadly, conditions like that just don’t exist in the real world. So yes, it will flush — but also it will clog, like a lot. Remember fatbergs?

So my thoughts on wet wipes? Well, I wouldn't invite them to another slumber party. It’s actually pretty wild that so many people love wet wipes – they’re terrible for the environment, for sanitation systems and for your bum. Meanwhile, I’m made from 100% recycled fibres, break down easily and feel comfy where it counts. So how about we go steady?